Living the Dream Yet?

 Today,  at work i felt really low emotionally.  I'd been having a bit of a tough time with work equipment of late and today it just moved steadily in the same direction.  As I persevered with doing the work  under duress,  I just kept rolling numbers of dollars around in my head and thinking when is this going to stop? I'm flogging myself and ageing m machines, just to keep my head above water and pay bills. Beyond all this garbage are layers of shit,  like when if ever is my son (who is away working for his maternal grandmother), going to pull his weight at work,  with me or doing something else. And I'm trying to build a cruising nest egg and break out. 

Then these two guys roll up doing the same job with a really expensive truck and all the fucking gear and just eat this job.  I'm then wondering further about whether I need to go into debt and get new gear? 

I mean,  the issues of working alone under heavy workload,  using failing equipment and wondering whether I even want to be there are massive.  Today I'm guessing with my younger sister planning for early retirement,  and facing this dilemma aft work,  for the first time I just wondered whether I shouldn't just throw it all against the wall. 

It feels like I have a row of projects in need of investment and I'm just going under saying "I just want to go  sailing!". But I can't,  a I've just got to keep plodding trying to swim. 


PS: The following day I was excited to receive a handful of gardening machines that had been unused for a while.  A line trimmer; drain old fuel,  refresh,  5 pulls,  and bingo.  A Victa, first pull.  An older Rover,  first pull.  Ride the wave of life. 

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